Title: Crossing Again
Author: Lowdeen
Disclaimer: The characters and shows do not belong to me. The story contains love between two women, so if such things offend you, don't read it and upset yourself.
Author's Note: Sequel to Crossed Up told from various POV's
Rating: R

The first thing that comes to mind when I first wake up is usually the question of what I'll be late for today. What event, place, or person am I late in getting to, arriving at, or meeting? It's a habit formed from years of combining too many late night slaying sessions and much too early morning classes. Most teenagers sneak out to parties at night. I sneak out to kill demons. I don't know how many times I've wished I were a normal teenager. A hundred, two hundred, maybe three hundred thousand times.

And like every other time, a dull anxiety accompanies my first waking moment until I remember that being late is about the least of my worries. I sit up so fast, I almost fall over again until I get my hands under me and that's when I notice I'm lying on grass. What happened? The last thing I remember was staring into a hole and then feeling pain shooting through my body.

Faith! Where is she?

"Faith?" I call out into the darkness. "Faith?!" I yell louder. "Where are you?" Please don't let anything have happened to you...please.

I hear rustling a couple of feet away and I crawl towards it till I remember that my legs still work. "Faith? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me."

That's definitely Faith's voice although she sounds drugged.

"What the fuck happened B? How long have I been out?"

"I don't know," I say, kneeling down next to the dark outline on the ground. Reaching out a hand to touch her, I feel relieved that she's there, and that she's warm, and that she's alive. "Come on Faith. Let's try to find the way back to the car," I say, helping her get up.

"Damn, it's dark. Shouldn't there be moonlight or something?"

"Looks like it's a cloudy night."

We walk towards what's hopefully the direction of the car. I strain my eyes trying to make out anything big and stationary but it's really dark and we'd be lucky not to trip over it if we do come across it.

"Hey B. I think I see it over there," she says suddenly, nudging me to the right.

We DO end up almost running into the car but at least we found it. Turning on the headlights, we finally get to see where we're at and it's not the same place we came to that afternoon. I'm looking out at the small field we'd just stumbled out of and I'm left speechless.

Faith doesn't have that problem though. "This is crazy! Where are we NOW? Are we even in Sunnydale? California? The United States? What's going on here?"

Finally shaking out of my stunned silence, I start the engine and drive out of there. "I have no idea where I'm going," I say before she can ask. She seems to take it in stride or maybe she's in denial about everything that'd happened but she's glancing out the side window, not saying a word. I have no idea what she's thinking right now but when have I ever been able to read her---only when she wants to show me and even then...

I slam on the brakes as the car's lights pass over a sign that I'm sure I've seen before. I'm already backing up when Faith asks, "Did that sign say what I think it said?"

"If it said Welcome to Sunnydale--"

The lights finally shine on the words. "Yeah. Guess we're here---again."

"This time, we ain't looking in no damn hole B," she says, looking over at me with a completely somber expression.

If the situation weren't so frustrating, I would have laughed but I just settled for a halfhearted grin as I put the car in drive again. As we keep going, we start seeing lights in the distance and as we get closer, we see that the lights are from houses and street lamps. This is the Sunnydale I remember---not some large, barren piece of land in the middle of nowhere. Looking over at Faith, I can tell she's not as happy at seeing this as I am. If I ask her what's wrong, she's just going to say nothing, putting on the tough girl act like a glove. So I just keep driving to the first place that pops into my mind.

When Giles opened the door, his jaw kinda unhinges like a snake and we just end up staring at each other until he finally says, "Come in."

Faith followed me although she looked like she wanted to bolt at any second.

"Where have you been Buffy?" Giles asks, closing the door and looking warily over at Faith. "What happened to you."

Holding up my hands to stave off any more questions, I ask one of my own. "Just tell me how many days I've been gone."

"Four," he answers slowly, his brows furrowing.

I look over at Faith but she's staring at the floor with a lost expression on her face but when I try to comfort her, she closes herself off just as suddenly.

"I don't want it B. So just don't." She shakes my hand away and then goes to sit on the couch. Why won't she ever let me help her? Why can't she ever let me in?

"Buffy," Giles says in that worried voice he uses so much when talking to me. "What happened?" He asks again.

So I tell him everything, at least everything that I know. Talking about it now, the whole thing sounds like a vivid dream that I can't shake. As expected, Giles is all serious concern coupled with a Watcher's mentality. He's already combing through his library, trying to find an explanation for my little temporal trip.

And all through our conversation, Faith is silent and sitting like a statue in the middle of the living room. Taking a seat next to her, I'm about to open my mouth and say something when she suddenly turns her head and looks me directly in the eyes. It's like I'm looking at something dead. There was nothing in those eyes---no emotion or feeling in their brown depths.

"Faith?" I call her name, wondering if I'll get a response.

"What do you want me to do now? You want me to go back to jail?---I mean, it's not like it matters anymore. What else can I lose now that hasn't already been taken?"

"Faith, please." My hand moves to touch her face but she jerks away like I just hit her. "That's not ---I don't want you to go back to jail. I want to help you."

"Help me?" Her voice cracks as she whispers my words back at me. "How?"

"i-I--" I don't have an answer. How could I help her without having a clue as to what was going on?

She turns away, burying her head in her hands and I take the opportunity to talk to Giles.

"Do you think Faith can stay here for tonight?" I ask softly, glancing over my shoulder at the slumped over form.

"Umm..." The glasses come off, followed by the handkerchief which could only mean that he's either worried or nervous or worse, both.

"Please," I plead with him before he can say anymore. "Giles, I don't want to dump her in some skanky motel room. Not when she needs our help and the police are after her."

He takes a long look over at Faith and then wearily sighs.

"Thank you," I smile at him and walk back to the sofa. I don't really want to leave her like this but I need to tell my mom and Willow that I'm all right and check up on Dawn as well.

****

I'm feeling no pain.

I'm feeling no pain.

I'm feeling no pain.

I'm feeling no pain.

I'm sitting in the dark and feeling no pain.

My head's not working right cuz I keep thinking that if I repeat the words long enough, it'll come true. Maybe if I say it out loud, it'd get better results. But I can't even find enough energy to make my mouth work. Then some screwy thoughts start wandering around my brain and I'm beginning to think that I need to stop thinking if I wanna get through the night. And forcing myself not to think is exactly what I end up doing, sitting in the dark in Giles' apartment.

Sometime later, I have no idea how much later, I hear the G-man waking up. Kinda hard not to when Slayer hearing is part of your make-up. He's shuffling around alot---probably doesn't want to come out here and see me sitting on his couch. But he has to come out sometime.

"Good morning," he says after finally leaving his room.

"Not very." I look up at him standing in the doorway and I wonder how long he's going to continue standing there.

"Buffy will probably be here soon...would you like something to eat in the meantime?"

Is that his way of telling me I shouldn't try anything if I didn't want to get my ass kicked by the true Slayer?

"Whatever," I mumble, resting my head on the back of the couch. Suddenly, I'm feeling tired and I just want to go to sleep and be left alone. I hear Giles moving around a few minutes later but I don't care. He could stick a knife in me and I wouldn't care. I'd probably thank him for doing something I was too chicken shit to do myself.

I must've fallen asleep sometime after that and when I come to, there are voices around me. Someone had laid a blanket over my body and as I concentrated, I could hear Willow talking in a low voice a few feet away. This was not going to be fun---I could hear them talking about me and most of the stuff they're saying hurts even though they're mostly all true. I could probably just continue to pretend like I'm asleep but I didn't want to listen to anymore.

Opening my eyes, I see Xander, Buffy, Willow, and Giles bunched into a little group in the far corner of the room. Xander's the first who notices I'm awake and he aims a glare at me. The rest of them look over too and I feel lower than dirt right about that time. This is gonna suck so much.

It's like they're taking little bites out of me whenever they talk. They weigh in, one after another, throwing everything I'd ever done back in my face. They just keep talking but I've already started zoning out---another little trick I've learned growing up. I'm not expected to talk anyway---they just want to let it all out on someone and I'm IT.

"Faith." Buffy suddenly takes my head between her hands, forcing me to look at her. Why does she always want to look into my eyes? Does she think she'll find something clean in them---something good?

"Call the cops, B." Did I ever think I was gonna say that? But there wasn't another choice here. I didn't want to stay and I didn't want to run anymore. "I want to go back to jail."

Xander almost sputtered in agreement but when I turned back to B, she doesn't look happy at all.

"No." She says it as if I'd just accused her mother of being an alien or something. "No," she repeats even more forcefully, this time looking at the other three people in the room. "You're not going back to jail and that's final."

Buffy really can take charge when she's backed into a corner. She won't even let me say another word on the subject in the same way she won't let Xander or Willow continue to burn me at the stake. Why was she doing this? Why did I care why? As long as they're off my back right?

"I appreciate what you're doing but why are you acting like I'm your latest pet cause?" I ask her straight out after everybody's left.

"Don't you think you deserve this? A new start?"

I almost gotta laugh out loud. "No!" And it's as simple as that---I didn't.

In jail, I kept thinking that I did and I almost convinced myself after awhile but I hadn't changed. Nope, still the same old me.

"I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that. I didn't want to believe at first either but, you've changed and you deserve another chance."

"Listen to your friends B. They've got the right idea." I move to stand, walking towards the door, itching to get out of there, away from her. "I need some air," I say, already stepping out.

"What about the police?" She shouts at me.

"Bonus." And I couldn't help closing the door harder than I'd wanted.

I walk around for awhile, kinda hoping that the cops DO run into me but it was like they all knew what I wanted and avoided me just to screw with my head. I walk the streets and it's like I'm not really there or maybe that's just what I wish. Whatever---I want to take this feeling and strangle the living crap out of it. I wouldn't be feeling this shitastic if I hadn't let myself get involved but it's not even that. I wouldn't want to change anything about what happened between Max and me even if I could. But what I would change would be not looking into that stupid hole--Wait!

The hole.

If I could find it again...

Maybe...

I nearly run over a couple of people as I run back to the piece of dirt I'd woken up on yesterday. I wasn't real clear on where exactly the place was or what was going to happen if I did find it but I couldn't stay like this any longer. It wasn't till much later and miles away that I find it, or at least I think it was the right place. Was it just me or did all patches of dirt look about the same?

Anyway, I shoulda bought a flashlight cause the place was dark. How am I supposed to find a dark hole in the dark? Fuck, I gotta start thinking before I act. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll stumble over it and break my leg or something. Shit.

If I'm gonna find it, I'll have to do it methodical-like, one step at a time---careful steps. I'm about halfway through inspecting the field when car lights come shining down the road. Instead of passing by, they stop right there and whoever's driving comes out to stand by the car.

"Faith, are you out there?"

Why's she here? "B?" I step out into the light, squinting cuz they were so damn bright. She walks over to me real slowly and my stomach gets tight like it does everytime I get caught doing something wrong.

"You're trying to find your way back." Not a real question but I answer her anyway.

"Trying to yeah...I was walking around and I kept feeling like I don't belong here anymore. I hope you're not gonna try and stop me."

She comes to a stop in front of me and I couldn't help but tense up, not knowing what she has in mind.

"I said I was going to help you and I will."

Didn't really expect that--someone keeping their word. Wow, what's the world coming to? Nodding at her, I go back to inspecting the other half of the field.

****

We spent the rest of the night going over every inch of that field, trying to find a hole---anything that looked suspicious. We came up with nothing but tired eyes and dirty clothes. The morning light is already starting to filter across the sky as I sit here on the grass watching Faith crouched a couple of feet away. She's bent over from the waist, her knees on the ground and her eyes closed tight.

She's been like that for a couple of minutes now and I'm still debating whether to go over there or not. If I do, she'll either yell at me or ignore me like she always does. For once, I'd like her to open up and let me help her deal. It's down to a slim to none chance that she'll be able to find a way back to 2019...back to Max. I don't know why, but the very thought of that makes me uneasy. I'd like to think it's not cause they're both girls---I'd like to think I'm more open-minded than that but it does bother me a little. It bothers me even more that she's found someone she loves that much only to lose her because I guilted her into helping me out. She hasn't mentioned it but then again, she doesn't need to. We both know it.

"Faith?"

She picks her head up and stares blankly over at me.

"I'm sorry."

There's no answer. Instead, she just gets up and walks over to the car. I drive her back to Giles' and when we arrive, she heads over to the couch and immediately lays down without a word to me the whole time. Giles isn't there. He's probably at the magic shop. Sitting down on the floor next to the couch, I know I should be getting to my classes, the same ones I've already missed for a couple of days already. But I don't want to go. I just can't seem to get up at all. Glancing over at Faith, I see her eyes are closed but I doubt she's really asleep. Probably just doing that so she can continue not speaking to me.

A bunch of things cross my mind then. Most of them have to do with the girl lying next to me. I've always seen her as my responsibility---someone I had to take care of. Great job I've done on that, huh? I can take her down when she's evil but can I help her out when she's good? There's no question in my mind that she is. She's good in the way that Angel is good. They both fight to keep their dark sides down and they help people not because of duty but more as a way to atone for what they've done in the past. And I want to be the one to help her find some happiness again even if she has to go nineteen years in the future to find it.

I sit there for a few more minutes before I find enough energy to get up and go but before I do that, I whisper that I'd be back in a couple of hours on the off chance that she'll hear me.

It's not really a surprise that I wander through my classes in a foggy world of my own. There's just too many things on my mind for me to concentrate on a lecture. But at least the tape recorder got every word.

After my last class ends, I find Riley waiting outside the room for me. I'd called him last night to tell him I was all right but I guess he wants to see with his own eyes.

"Hey," he says, smiling at me. "I thought maybe we could spend some time together. You can tell me more about what happened and I can tell you how much I've missed you."

One thing about Riley, he can be charming and sweet when he's not letting his inferiority complex overcome his behavior. No matter how many times I keep assuring him that I need him in my life, he just doesn't believe me, not entirely.

"Let me take a rain check on that. I need to check up on something first."

"What? Maybe I can help."

And he always wants to help me. No matter how dangerous or deadly the enemy, he always wants to step in front of me and protect me. Sometimes, I just want to yell out that I don't need protecting. I'm the Slayer---I protect everybody else. But I can't cause he's only doing it because he loves me so much.

"I think I'll have to do this on my own. But I'll call you later, all right?" I kiss him before he can come up with any more reasons to come along. He still doesn't know anything about Faith's part in all this. I'll tell him eventually but unless I really have to, it's just easier to leave him in the dark. Waving good-bye, I leave him standing in the hallway as I make my way back to Giles'.

When I get there, Faith is still on the couch, but she's now watching TV instead of sleeping. There still isn't anybody else around and I wonder if she's eaten anything yet.

"Hey Faith," I say, closing the door softly behind me. I keep thinking like I need to tiptoe around her or else she'll break or shatter like glass. I've never thought of Faith as fragile before but the more time I spend with her, the more my mind changes about a lot of things.

She kinda nods at me but, aside from that, she doesn't even look over or say anything. I've never seen her like this---sorta despondent and lifeless. Where was her energy, her fire? Where was her anger, for that matter?

"You want anything?" I ask, going over to the fridge for some juice.

"I'm five by five." The familiar words sound hollow and as far from the truth as possible.

"Here." I give her some soda anyway which she takes automatically.

Sitting down next to her, I struggle to find something to say. "How are you feeling?" Best I could come up with.

"Like someone scooped out my insides and replaced everything with shit." She finally turns her head to look at me "Wanna know anything else B?"

"Yeah." I couldn't take how she was just giving up. "When are you going to stop acting like this?"

She turns her whole body towards me then and bores into me with those intensely dark eyes. "Like what?" Her voice is measured and low.

"Like you've given up on everything."

"What's wrong with that? In case you haven't noticed, I HAVE given up on everything."

"You don't know what you're saying Faith. I know what you're going through--"

"NO, you don't!" She stands up, an angry scowl on her face. "Stop thinking like you know everything---especially when it comes to me. You don't know jack!"

"I know what it's like to lose someone close to you---to lose someone you're in love with." Standing up slowly, I continue staring into her eyes. "I know it hurts and you feel like it's never going away but it'll get better Faith. I swear, it'll get better. So don't give up on everything just yet."

She looks like she wants to hit me and call me a liar. I tense up, not really sure what I'll end up doing if she does try it. But instead of hitting me, she ends up taking her anger out on the coffee table, reducing it to splinters.

After staring at the destruction for a couple of seconds, I find my voice. "I hope Giles wasn't too attached to that. Maybe we can tell him that termites did it---giant ones with big mouths."

"Buffy--"

My whole name---coming from Faith's mouth. At any other time, my jaw would be on the floor but the look on her face curbs my astonishment. Her eyes are sparkling with unshed tears and look as big as those characters in the anime cartoons. She's trying so hard not to let them fall but they do anyway---drops trailing down her cheeks to land on the front of her shirt.

Before she can turn away, before she can explain it away, I step in and wrap my arms around her body, pulling her towards me into a comforting hug. I was half-expecting her to push me away and make a wisecrack but she did neither. Instead, I felt her arms move across my back and encircle me. Tears started forming in my own eyes so I breathed in deeply in an attempt to stem the flow.

"Everything will get better," I promise, whispering into her hair. "The pain will fade."

"God, B. I feel so sick of feeling this way."

"I know Faith. I know."

We continue holding each other, taking and giving comfort at the same time. And it was only because of Giles' bad timing that we finally let go. He looks surprised but manages to cover up by busying himself with the groceries he'd bought. He didn't comment on the coffee table either.

"You wanna go for a walk?" Faith asks, looking down at her hands.

I can't help but smile at the shy and uncertain way she said that. Reaching out for one of her hands, I tug her towards the door. "What are we waiting for?"

****

We're quiet as we walk down the street but it's a comfortable quiet, not the kind where you feel pressured to say something just to say something. B's still got my hand in hers and I feel almost normal again because of that. I'm not sure where we're going but I've got a feeling it's towards a graveyard. No matter what's happening at any given moment, we always end up heading towards a graveyard. We have a sorta homing instinct for it. Maybe it's a slayer thing but who else would spend that much time in a cemetery unless you happen to be either dead or the undead?

"Willow's agreed to help get the police off your tail," she says looking over at me.

"Yeah? I didn't think she liked me all that much." I let a tiny smirk appear across my face. Buffy must've begged till her throat got sore for Red to do a thing like that.

"I don't know. I think Will's going to come around."

My smirk grows wider. B can't lie for shit or else she's selectively blind. Ain't no way she's gonna convince me that Red will ever see me as anything but a psycho bitch. But it's kinda nice that she tries to spare my feelings anyway. As I predicted, we're fast approaching a cemetery. My blood starts racing and I can feel everything around me as my senses automatically sharpen. No matter how shitty I feel, slaying always seems to settle me because it simplifies everything.

A stake.

A vampire.

My stake in the vampire and that's all there is to it.

B looks like she's getting in the game too. Focused---that's how she gets. Totally serious even when she's punning right before the kill.

"Think you're ready for this?" She asks, getting my attention. "I mean, all those months away. You sure you're not rusty?"

For a minute, I almost think she's serious but a small smile starts to crack across her face before she busts out laughing.

"You should've seen the look on your face," she says in between giggles. "God, it's priceless."

Jerking my hand from hers, I state, "If you were anyone else, I'd be stomping a hole in your ass."

She's still laughing---guess she's not falling for the quasi-hurt routine I'm putting up. Instead, she just takes my hand back like nothing had happened and I let her because there wasn't much she could do to make me not want to hold her hand.

It's only a few minutes after we enter the cemetery that I first feel a prickling sensation on my skin---my very own vampire detector. B hands me a stake from inside her jacket as we head straight towards the vamp's location. There are five of them in all, just standing around in a group.

B starts it off, taking the lead. "Sorry to break up your tea party guys but we need to kill you now."

They come rushing at us---two for me and three for B. I let them hit me a couple times just to wake myself up and get the adrenaline pumping before I hit back. A backhand sends one stumbling over a tombstone as a kick to the gut bends the other from the waist. It's automatic after that cause I don't really feel like playing with them. After I stake the last of my vamps, I turn my attention over to how B's doing.

. . . . . . . . . . .

I'm sure my eyes are as large as saucers by now. She's totally operating on another level. Her moves and her power are just not what I remember. She's kicking ass and making it look like art. I've got to get her to show me how she does that. Just when she's about to drive a stake through the last vamp's heart, an interruption jumps into the scene. The interruption has a name too but I just prefer to call him Beefstick.

"Riley?" B's focus falters just enough for the vamp to get a hit in and then turn tail and run.

"Sorry," he says standing there like a big lump. "I saw you over here and I thought I could help."

Something between a laugh and a cough comes out of my mouth before I can choke it down and they both turn to look at me.

"Got something in my throat," I say, hiding a smile with my hand.

Beefstick's looking confused---a normal state for him I think---and he looks back to Buffy for some answers. I look over at Buffy too and she looks like she wants to run away like that vamp just did.

"Who's your friend?" He asks. "I don't think we've met."

I continue leaning back on the gravestone, trying to look innocent. I've gotta get a mirror to see if this look is working or just making me look more guilty than I already am. B sure looks guilty enough for the both of us though and I wonder if the milk dud is gonna notice.

"Is something wrong Buffy?" Apparently, the boy has more brain cells than I give him credit for.

"Hey B," I say, interrupting the impending guiltfest. "I'm gonna go for a little walk. See you later, huh?" I don't even wait for her to say nothing before leaving them. No way did I want to stick around for their "talk".

I end up walking through a couple more cemeteries and taking out a couple more vamps before heading back to Giles'. There isn't much in the way of a nightlife when it comes to Sunnydale and anyway, one of the lucky SOB's managed to get in a shot to my ribs before I sent him back to hell. I think he broke one or two. I was just about to knock on Giles' door when B's voice sounds from behind me.

"B, what are you doing out here?" I ask, turning around and walking across the courtyard to where she's sitting on a bench.

"Waiting for you actually."

"Oh." I hope she's not still mad about my bailing on her. "So how did it go?"

"Pretty well considering," she says, patting the bench next to her for me to sit. "He didn't really get mad or anything."

Carefully taking a seat, I ask, "So why are you sitting out here?"

"Needed some air."

"Oh." I say again. What was wrong with this picture?

"Faith?"

"Yeah B?"

"We broke up."

It takes me a couple seconds to react. "What? Why?"

"I don't know---it just happened so fast...I broke up with Riley." She says it like she doesn't believe it herself.

"I'm sorry." I try to be, I really do. I mean, B's probably heartbroken and I feel for her but am I sorry to see them break up? Not really. "Are you going to be all right?" The words I'm saying come out automatically. It's like I'm going through an index of the most clichéd things to say and actually saying them.

She doesn't answer me, just kinda staring at the ground. After awhile, I can't stand it any longer and I pat her awkwardly on the back. I'm not used to comforting someone and this is about the best I can come up with under the gun. She doesn't seem to mind though so I keep on doing it. But then, all of a sudden, she turns around and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me towards her and into a tight hug. The action jars my ribs and I almost chomp down on my tongue to stop from screaming out as B just snuggles up some more. Little white spots start dancing in front of my eyes and I seriously wonder if I'm gonna start to puke. Pushing her away, I struggle to get my breath back.

"Faith?"

I try to say I'm fine but nothing comes out of my mouth except these little wheezing noises. She crouches down in front of me, putting her hands on my knees.

"Try to breathe Faith."

What the fuck did she think I was trying to do? But eventually though, my breathing starts getting under control and she helps me into the apartment.

"Ribs," I mutter to her. "Broken." There's nothing much you can do for something like that except to wait for them to heal and hope they didn't puncture anything serious. She sits me down on the couch and I notice offhandedly that the coffee table's gone. I've got to apologize to the G-man for that.

****

Faith's seated on top of the toilet seat, her top off as I wrap up her ribs with a roll of bandages I'd gotten from the first aid kit. She was just telling me how it was a 'damn lucky shot' that caught her. I tried to concentrate on what she was saying but I kept getting distracted. Faith's naked from the waist up and I'm getting an up close and personal view of her. Distracted is putting it mildly.

Okay Buffy...just don't think about it

Just don't think about it? Yeah right. This is definitely one of those things easier said than done.

"All done," I announce, still bent on one knee in front of her and wincing at the artificial quality of my voice bouncing off the ceramic tiles.

"Thanks B. You do it like a pro."

Then something so completely ordinary happens, I wouldn't have given it a second thought on any other occasion.

Our eyes meet and we just kinda look at each other. I'm not sure how long we stayed in those positions but I feel something passing between us---like maybe for the first time since we met, we finally understood each other completely. The moment shatters when I turn away and stand abruptly. Faith stands up too but more slowly. She doesn't say anything or try to approach me...she just stands there, waiting for me to make a move.

I make the only move I can under the circumstances. I leave the room.

I wasn't ready to deal. I wasn't even ready to accept what I'd just seen in Faith's eyes. So I just kinda stood in the middle of the living room, torn between wanting to stay and dying to leave.

"Don't let me make you uncomfortable B," Faith says coming out of the bathroom, clad in a tank top.

I shake my head to stop her. "No, it's not that. It's just that it's getting late and--"

"You have to leave right?" She walks over to sit on the couch, eyes downcast.

Why do I feel so guilty all of a sudden? I don't want what Faith wants.

I couldn't.

It wasn't me.

"Goodnight Faith," I say, turning around and walking out the door. I haven't felt this scared since the Master fulfilled the prophecy and almost killed me---actually, he did for a minute or so but that's not the point right now. The point is that, for a minute, I knew exactly what Faith was thinking and feeling and I wish to God, I didn't cause it just complicated everything.

Faith's always exuded sex and innuendo. From the first time I've met her, she's always had some kind of come on ready in any situation. I'd always ignored it cause I never thought she was serious but tonight, what I saw in her eyes was nothing but. So what am I going to do? Do I just ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen, that my eyes were never opened?

Why not? It'd probably be the best decision since I didn't feel for her in that way.

I sigh and turn around to go right back to Giles' apartment. If I didn't deal with it now, I'd just think about it all night and end up with no sleep and a miserable couple of hours.

All the way back, I keep wondering how this was going to play out. I didn't have to wonder very long though cause I'm standing in front of the apartment door before I know how I got there so fast. Psyching myself up first, I finally knock softly on the door, knowing that Faith would hear me anyway.

When she opens the door, standing there in her tank top and underwear, everything I'd planned on saying flew from my mind and I was left with nothing to draw on but a blank. She leads me inside as we sit on opposite ends of the couch and she's the first to open her mouth.

"This kinda sucks, y'know?"

"What does?".

"That you finally know how I feel," she says, staring balefully at me. "I'd always wondered how you'd react. Guess I'll finally get to see."

"Why do you--" I can't even look at her when I ask. "I thought you and Max--"

"Maybe it's a slayer thing. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Maybe I like reaching for the brass ring and falling flat on my face. Maybe, maybe, maybe---truth is, I don't know---I just do."

"And Max?" She seems to be avoiding that particular topic so why do I keep trying to bring it up?

Now it's her turn to look away. "What about her?"

"I thought you loved her. You were ready to stay there with her."

"Guilty on both counts---Don't you know how fucking hard it is to love you B?"

She finally said it. The L word and my name in the same sentence. When I didn't immediately answer, she continues on in a rush.

"You're always so responsible, so golden, so loved, such a hero. You're a walking, talking ideal and I could never be your equal. And if you really want to know, Max isn't you---that's why I love her and I want her. Are you satisfied with that answer?"

"I'm not this ideal you think I am. I'm not perfect. You should know that better than anyone."

"Look, can't we just forget the whole thing, forget this whole conversation ever happened?"

"I'd love to but it doesn't work that way." From the wounded expression on her face, it probably wasn't the best thing to say. "I'm sorry--"

"Why?" She asks, scowling at me. "It's what you think isn't it? Come on B, speak your mind and be proud of it. If you don't like me, that's just fine. But don't apologize for it. Don't fuck with me like that."

I try to stay calm but it gets under my skin. Actually, it's her that gets under my skin---always has, and I guess, always will.

"Whatever. You know what? This conversation is over. I can't deal with this."

But apparently, she's changed her mind and when I try to leave, my arm's snagged. Tensing up, I slowly enunciate each word so there's no ambiguity to what I want. "Let go of me."

"This isn't how I wanted it to happen."

I turn back a little just to hear what she has to say. Hesitation is written across her face as her hand slips from my arm.

"You're not supposed to know at all, thus the whole not telling you factor to it."

"Yeah, well...good intentions," I mutter under my breath. "But I really think the best thing to do here is to just forget this whole episode."

Faith closes her eyes for a second and I quickly add, " I mean, I like you but I'm--"

"Fine, yeah, I got it. Just don't say what I think you're gonna say, okay?"

We stand there awkwardly for a little while until I make some lame excuse to leave. That could've gone way better than it had but at least it was behind me now. Right? As I walk home, I wonder if that's really the case cause I'm sure still thinking about it and I have little doubt that Faith is as well.

****

My head feels like it's weighted down. I can smell the grass I'm lying on. I can also feel the sharp rock that's digging into my side. Taking a quick inventory of my body, there's no doubt that this is some seriously uncomfortable position I've assumed but there's also no doubt that I'm not seriously injured either. I open my eyes, taking my first look around the place I've landed. Streetlights, manicured lawns, rows of neat little houses lined across both sides of the street. Things I've only seen in old movies. I think they call it suburbia. Kind of creepy how everything's so cut and paste.

Sitting up, I find I'm lying on one of these manicured lawns. Now how exactly had I gone from staring into a hole in the ground to lying in front of someone's gingerbread house?

Shit!

And what happened to my motorcycle?

Getting up, I stalk over to the door of the nice house and knock, already suppressing the anger I'd felt just five seconds ago into a numb little ball of feeling at the back of my mind. Some woman in her forties answers the door, opening it only enough so her face shows through the crack.

"Yes?" She asks and there's a palpable fear written across her face.

"Can you please tell me where I am?"

"What?" She opens the door further so I can see she's wearing a frumpy flowery dress that wouldn't do anyone's figure any justice. Apparently, she thinks I'm not enough of a threat for her to continue talking to me through a narrow sliver of an opening---Yeah.

"I said, can you tell me where I am? The name of this place."

"You mean Sunnydale?"

"And the year?"

Her brows knit together as she gives me a once over. "Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No." I stare at her, knowing that I'm making her nervous but not giving a damn either way.

"Two thousand," She finally says, about ready to slam the door in my face. I'm not sure why she hasn't already.

So I'm here. "Thank you." I turn and walk away, probably leaving her to think I'm some kind of nut job.

Sunnydale ---I'm not all that surprised or astonished or a dozen other adjectives at hearing where I am, or when for that matter. When I took off from Seattle, this was where I'd half-expected to be. What exactly was I doing here though? Short answer---I'm here to get my girlfriend. Long answer's more complicated but that's why they call it a long answer, right?

I'd left everything I'd known to come here. Everyone I care for is back in Seattle wondering where the fuck I was. Cause you see, I hadn't told anyone where I went. I just took off on my bike with a knapsack of clothes. Not even a note---just how I work, how I was taught to work. No strings.

But that's just stupid cause I'm here because of a string. A string named Faith. Because I'd told her I wanted to give her some space so she could decide on what to do. But now, I'm here and to damn with space. I want her and, tough as it is to admit, I need her.

So if I do find her here and she tells me to go screw myself, I can live with that---I can't live with not knowing if that's what she really wants. I want to see her say it in person. So that's why I'm here, stuck nineteen years in the past.

Walking down the street, along the two rows of houses, I wonder at how it all was. I hadn't even been born yet, the Pulse hadn't yet happened, the United States was still a world power instead of some third world hole in the ground. It feels strange---not exactly those abstract ideas but more the air and the atmosphere itself. There's a quiet assurance everywhere. In every individual plot and property, in every glowing window, even in each blade of grass. So this is what it's like to feel secure and deluded by the stability of your country's global economic status. It's very weird actually.

Now I have to actually go about the business of finding Faith. How exactly did you find people back in the day? I was sitting on the side of a walk after having wandered around a bit, trying to find an answer to this question when some greasy guy approaches me.

Openly leering at me, he asks, "Are you lost?"

"Do you use that line on all the girls sitting aimlessly on the curb or do I look special in that simply retarded way that makes you think it'll work on me?"

He immediately loses that smarmy smile but instead of gracefully walking away like a pathetic loser, his face morphs into something resembling a cheesy Halloween mask. Vampire---should've expected it from what Faith said about this place. Demon Central and I just found myself a demon.

"Do you think this will work better?" He lisps through his two overgrown incisors.

"Yeah, much." I've got his arm jacked up behind his back and a headlock on him before he knows what's what. "Since I was so nice as to give you some constructive critique on your dating style, how about you helping me out?"

"Why should I?" He growls, trying to twist his body around.

"Because," I patiently explain as I lever his arm up until he starts to scream. "Now are you going to help me?

"What do you want?" He whimpers.

"I need you to help me find the Slayer."

After a skoosh more prodding, he finally agrees.

Continued in Part 2