Title: Single Daze
Author: Lowdeen
Disclaimer: Faith, Buffy, all characters and the show all belong to Joss Whedon, Fox, and Mutant Enemy. The story contains implied love between two women, so if such things offend you, don't read it and upset yourself.
Spoilers: Up to and including the Fourth Season.
Author's Notes: In the previous installment, Buffy had just recovered from being accidentally shot by Watchers and lying in a coma. Faith does the naughty with Cordelia and Buffy is justifiably pissed.
Rating: R

I've heard people say things come in threes. I don't remember what people or where I heard it from but I definitely remember the three part. I wish they didn't though. I mean, one breakup is hard enough but three coming around all at the same time? There isn't enough ice cream and chocolate in the world to lessen the hurt.

First , there was me. Cheated on. By someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with.

Then there was Xander. Cheated on. I'm still not sure what Cordelia meant to him. Some days, he acted like the break up was inevitable anyway. Some days, he wouldn't come out of his basement.

And finally, there was Willow. Her and Oz. How could they break up? They looked like the real deal. So balanced. So cute. So cheated on.

When the three of us got together, you could probably sense the black hole of despair sapping the happiness out of any and all living things within a 100 foot radius. Not a very pretty sight but then again we didn't have much choice in the company we kept. Did we really have anyone else to turn to if we wanted to talk or cry or just badmouth our exes? No, Giles doesn't count because he's like our collective parent. And who wants to talk with their parents about their love life?

As for the cheaters. Oz is gone. Took off in his van without a word. Willow was absolutely devastated when she found out he'd sent for all his stuff a couple of days later. I think if he'd stayed, she would have eventually forgiven him. But he was off to find his inner wolf and couldn't be bothered to leave a forwarding address.

Cordy. Left for LA ... I don't know when and I don't exactly know where but what good would it do for me to know anyway? Armed with her address, would I then confront her? Ask her how she could do that to me? Yell at her? Again, what good would it do?

And last but certainly not least, Faith. Faith who drank too much and made a stupid mistake. Faith who sent me yellow roses everyday with a note that always said 'I love you'. Faith who climbed a tree and knocked on my window one night smelling like booze, fell asleep on my floor only to leave the next morning before I woke up.

Faith.

I wanted to forgive her. Wanted her arms to wrap around me. Wanted her to smile and crack a joke as we went walking through a cemetery. Wanted it so much I wondered sometimes why I hadn't already forgiven her. 'But you can't,' I kept telling myself. Not when it still hurt so much. Not when I found myself crying in the bathroom so mom wouldn't hear. Not untill I could imagine her arms around me without imagining her in Cordelia's arms not a second later.

That's what I kept telling myself.

I couldn't forgive. Not yet.

School helped. Start of a new school year meant the start of new classes. New classes meant that, for a few hours every day at least, I could think about something else besides the unmitigated disaster that was my personal life. I could shove all that unhappiness aside, lock it in a small dark corner of my brain and pretend I'd lost the key.

But after awhile, it starts leaking out. It shouts and rants and lets you know it doesn't like being forgotten. And you grab your head and close your eyes and curl up into a metaphorical little ball but it still finds you.

If my two best friends are feeling even a fraction of what I am, then I really couldn't blame Willow for trying to use magic to make everything better. If there is a magic pill that could make my heart un-break, I'd take it too. This method just happened to be more straightforward. No pills involved.

"It didn't work?" I asked, slightly disappointed.

"No. There was a neat light show with lightning and everything but the spell went poof. Fizzled. I couldn't even make this Q-tip un-bendy again," she said, holding up the still very bent proof.

"Well, maybe it's better this way Will," I said, not really sure at all. "It takes time for this stuff to sort itself out in our heads. Magic might be a free pass, a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card but it's not natural. And anyway, time heals all wounds, right?" I tried a smile on for size but it felt out of place and fake so I settled for a shrug.

"But it hurts so much," she said with a frown, looking at me with watery, green eyes. Begging me to understand. "It's like there's something inside, clawing and squeezing and making me sick. I just want it gone."

"Willow ..."

The ringing phone cut off whatever it was I was going to say to her. In a way, I was glad for the distraction -- glad that Spike had decided to make a break for it that night. Having the excuse that Giles needed me to find the neutered vamp and drag him back excused me from rehashing this conversation. Again. Talking to Willow about her pain, no matter how much she didn't intend to, just made me feel mine all the more acutely.

Did I feel guilty for bailing on her? Yes. Did I want to go back? No. It was an avoidance thing. It worked better with distance. But the distance was only as far as the dorm's lawn and the time I'd mentally allocated for Spike-hunting could be rolled back a couple of hours since I found the peroxide freak as soon as I stepped outside.

"Wow. That was fast," I grumbled, half-hoping he'd make a break for it so I could at least get a good chase in. "I deserve a gold star for this."

"Bloody hell!" He threw up his arms, drama queen style. "Must've gotten turned around …"

"Yeah, what with all the mist and fog," I snarked, rolling my eyes. But he barely took notice, already back to muttering to himself. Something about the Initiative -- the soldiers who had caged him up and turned him impotent. Why they did all that instead of just killing him, I'll never understand.

"Here. It's here, I know it is," he kept repeating now on his knees, ripping up the turf.

"Here what is?" I'd just about had enough, reaching the end of my very short rope.

"Those soldierboys, damnit! I know they're here ... Fix me!" He yelled to nobody in particular. Was it really wrong to subdue him with a few admittedly satisfying punches when he refused to come back quietly? I was only doing my job, afterall. And he was really annoying. So annoying that I seriously considered the idea of staking him on the way back to Giles'. I could blame it on a slip of the wrist or maybe I tripped and the stake just accidentally ended up in his chest.

That could happen.

But I didn't because no matter how disgusting and leechlike he acted and was, he still had information we needed. "Giles!" I yelled before the door was even open, hoping the tone of that one word would get across how much I was putting up with in the name of the greater good. I was going to say something else but it died somewhere in the back of my throat when I saw Faith. Standing up from the sofa. A little thinner. A little paler. And still able to take my breath away faster than a kick to the gut.

We did the 'silent stare' until Spike pushed rudely past me. Moment gone.

"Hey." Faith smiled, shoving Spike halfway across the room as she walked closer, her eyes never straying from my face.

I would have answered but then something came over me -- like an epiphany. A wow. Finally, I could see myself. For the first time, I could finally see what I'd been missing all this time. It felt like I was going to explode with this newfound insight if I didn't share it right that second.

"Spike!" I rushed to his side where he'd fallen on his gorgeous little tush. "Are you all right my little blonde muffin?"

He looked up from beneath his brows, his eyes so expressive, I thought I'd swoon then and there. "You can always kiss it all better, pet," he suggested, his mouth turning up into a grin.

How could I say no when he looked so cute? Pouty and cute. And so sexy with those smoldering blue eyes and rakish expression. The first kiss and I thought I would burn a hole through the floor. It wasn't like kissing Faith. Everything was harder, more demanding, more ... metallic. Was that because of the blood? I thought about breaking off for a split second before his hand wound around my back and all coherent thoughts were gone again.

"What. The fuck. Are you *doing*?!" I pulled my bottom lip from between Spike's teeth and turned to Faith and Giles who wore identical open mouthed stares. They both looked so confused that I felt the need to explain why they should all be happy.

"Faith, Giles ... I've found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." I waited for them to smile. This was the happiest moment of my life and I wanted everyone to share in it but especially them. They were two of the most important people in my life and because of that I felt almost devastated when they didn't share in my joy. Faith even tried to pull me away from my Spike.

"I think I need to sit down," Giles muttered with a look of pain on his face. Why couldn't they just be happy for me?

"What did you do to her, you sick, twisted fuck?" My ex-girlfriend looked about ready to erupt.

"He didn't do anything to me," I said, trying to make her understand. "This is what I want Faith. I know you still love me but that's over now. What we had is gone. The only one I want to be with is Spike."

But she didn't listen. She wouldn't. "G," she said, turning to Giles. "Please tell me you know what's going on. And if you don't, just tell me it's okay to stake Spike. Either way's good with me."

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to put my foot down before someone got hurt. "Nobody is staking my honey bear," I told them with my no nonsense voice. "And that includes you Faith. I don't want to hurt you but I will."

"Here now," Spike cut in with a grin that made me melt. "Let's not be flying off the handle yet. Not before I get to do this anyway." I think my heart actually stopped beating when he got down on one knee in front of me. "Buffy, will you marry me?"

I didn't have to think twice. "Yes, Spike. Yes, I'll marry you." How could it be anything but the happiest moment in my life? The man I loved had asked me to marry him ... well, technically, he wasn't exactly a 'man' in the strictest sense of the word but that didn't matter. They were right -- love did conquer all. It conquered all of our differences and stomped them into the ground. I mean, who would have thought it? A vampire and a Slayer? It wasn't a match made in heaven. More likely, made in a sweaty section of Hell. But we'd overcome all the obstacles and most importantly, we were happy.

The only downer during my happiest moment ever it seemed was that nobody else was sharing in the joy. Giles went to the kitchen without a word and Faith looked torn between wanting to pull her hair out and getting her hands on Spike. It was going to be much harder than I thought getting the rest of my friends on board for this. But they'd come around. As soon as they saw how Spike and I were destined for each other, they'd be happy too.

****

Oh. My. God.

That's all that came to me. Those three words. Over and over again, banging around in my head. Filling it up till there was nothing but the picture of my girlfriend practically rolling around on the floor with a vampire. Like someone tacked it into my brain with a very large nail as if to say 'there, that way, you won't forget'. Like I could forget this nightmare even if I wanted to. I think I'd like to have what Giles is having. Being blind right now doesn't sound so bad. He complains he has to hear them making out? At least he doesn't have to see it too.

Oh. My. God.

He looks like he's eating her face.

"Hands!" I shouted when it looked like he was going below the shirt. Kissing was bad enough. Groping and it was all I could do not to rip his arms off and beat him with it on his big lollipop head.

"I guess we should save it for the wedding night," Buffy pants out. As if I wasn't already about to throw up.

"She's a testy little Slayer, isn't she?" He leered at me. Goddamn fucking Spike fucking leered at me. As if watching him swap spit with my girl wasn't bad enough?

But like a peace offering from the powers that be for my very bad, horrible, terrible night, Xander busts through the door some time later screaming that demons were after him. Finally, something I could kill. As I'm waiting for the monsters to show up, he finally notices the heavy petting going on behind me. Much like me, he was hoping for a case of the blindness too. I think that was the first time we'd been in a room together since he punched me out for sleeping with Cordy. We would've been awkward but there wasn't the time for it right now.

Cause the night that just wouldn't stop sucking kept flinging shit on more shit. Demons came all right. They swarmed in like an invading army. We fought. We ran. In between that, we figured out it wasn't some big evil that was making everybody wacky. It was just Red and her magic self-help. Finding out that your friend's the cause of 'Spike' n Buffy 4 eva'? Doesn't leave a good feeling in your gut.

Anyway, once Red broke the spell and everything was back to normal me and B went for a walk around her campus. After all that'd happened, I just wanted to spend some time alone with her. Hell, any excuse to spend time alone with her was a big fat plus in my book. But she wasn't looking so good. Kind of greyish. That's not a good color on my girl. "You okay?" I asked, finding it hard not to reach over and hold her hand just for some kind of contact.

She nods slowly. "Nothing that a bottle of mouthwash won't fix."

"Gotta admit - getting it on with Spike was pretty gross, B."

"Oh, gee. Thanks Faith. You always know how to make me feel better." I could see she wasn't really pissed at me so I decided to go for it. After spending the whole night wrapped around Spike, I figured she wouldn't mind as much now having me wrapped around her. It was cheap, even for me but I was desperate. So I went for it. Pulled her into a hug. Felt her stiffen.

God, just please don't pull away. I just want to be close to you again. Just for a little while. Please.

"Why yellow?" She mumbled into my shoulder.

That came totally out of left field. Right field. Not even in the fucking ballpark anymore. Why yellow? What yellow? Why are we even talking about yellow? "Huh?"

"The yellow roses, Faith," she clarified. "Why yellow?" She hadn't backed up yet so that's good but asking me why the roses I sent were the color they were?

"No reason really. I mean ... I thought you'd like yellow. Change of pace, y'know? You do like yellow, don't you?" Man, I should've asked. "If you don't, I can always get you ... damn, I can't believe I don't even know if you'd like yellow and I got it for you anyway. Without asking. I'm sorry."

That was so lame.

I can feel her shaking as she laughed under her breath. Laughter's good though. Means she's not angry. Not sad either.

A couple of seconds later, the laughter dies away and I thought that was that. She's going to pull away now. I was preparing myself for it, psyching myself up so my arms wouldn't automatically reach out for her again. But you know what? At least I got to hug her. Feel her in my arms again. At least I can say that over and over to myself when I'm alone in my bed tonight.

And tomorrow.

And the day after that.

Man, I gotta stop with the depressing shit before I take a razor and slash my wrists wide open. And then I realize that she's started talking to me again while I was off in my own little world. Stop spacing out, damnit! Your ears are more than pretty handles on the sides of your face.

"Are you all right?" She asked, pulling away a step and looking at me. I almost followed her that one step before I remembered I promised myself I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to make her uncomfortable.

"Fine. Totally fine," I lied through my teeth.

"Good ... that's good." She looks away and I know she's just trying to think up an excuse to leave. And who the fuck knows when I'm going to be able to see her again. This is the closest to normal we've been with each other in weeks and, call me desperate, but I don't want it to end.

"You want to have lunch tomorrow?" I blurt out before she can ditch me. "Lunch? Breakfast? Whenever? Whatever?" Anything you want Buffy. Just say yes to something.

She didn't answer for a long time. Just kept staring off, her hands idly playing with a button on her blouse. "Okay," she finally said, her eyes flicking over to me for just a second. "Lunch. Tomorrow. Meet me at my dorm."

If I could still move, I would've pumped my fist in the air and acted like one of those people who'd just won something really cool on one of those game shows. It was a good thing I couldn't move then. Wouldn't want her to change her mind cause I acted like an ass ... again. She walked off and I finally remembered to say "Good night, B" right before she turned a corner and disappeared.

Wow. And I thought tonight was going to suck total ass. What with Spike sticking his tongue down my girl's throat and his hands touching her in places only I'm supposed to touch.

EVER.

Gotta remember to beat the crap out of him next time I see his scrawny, blood sucking, neutered carcass. But for now, I'm happy. Finally happy. Buffy was giving me another chance. To sit down with her. For an hour at least. Just me and B. There was no way I was going to get any sleep tonight. Just thinking about it was getting me wired. So I did what any Slayer would do to pass the time. I went to find vamps to slay. And pretended it was Spike's ugly face staring back at me every time I pushed the stake into one of their hearts. Made me feel better, that's for damn sure.

And before I knew it, the night was over and it was dawn. Time to wash off the dust from my skin before laying down on the couch to watch some early morning cartoons. But I wasn't really paying attention. My eyes were on the screen but my mind was a mile away and a couple of week's back. Ever since that day. Ever since that slap, I haven't been able to focus so good on the stuff going on around me. I mean, sure, I'm not zoning out when it comes to slaying and stuff but it's a narrow kind of focus. Only sticking around till the danger's gone.

It's like my mind's splintered and I don't remember to do things. Not like these things seemed so important anymore. Stuff like eating. Like sleeping. Like not getting drunk again and popping up at Buffy's house and climbing her tree like some stupid Romeo. Shit, I act like a goddamn idiot sometimes. Sure, Faith. Show up at your ex-girlfriend's place when you're totally tanked and out of your mind. She'll love you for it in the morning.

NOT.

Sometimes, I think she'd be better off without me screwing up her life. She deserves so much better than a loser who's cheated on her. But even as I'm thinking that, I know I can't let her go. Somewhere along the way, I'd given Buffy Summers my heart. No matter what happened, I didn't ever want her giving it back to me. It was scary how much I needed her. Mostly cause this was still new to me. I've never needed someone like that in my whole life.

People come and go. Sometimes, they stopped and took a chunk out of you before leaving. But you deal. You move on. Cause that's how you've always lived.

Until now -- until Buffy came into my life.

If she were to say she didn't love me anymore. If Buffy did that ... I could already feel the hollow ache starting up in my chest just thinking about it and I have to swallow to stop from throwing up. So it scares me. Makes me want to run out and find her so I could bury my head on her shoulder and have her arms wrap around me and tell me everything will be all right. Cause she's the only one that could make it all alright again. She's the only one that can break me and put me back together again.

The only one.

And in just a couple of hours, I'll get to see her. This was a first step. A tiny baby step. And I was as nervous as hell about messing it up.

****

I stare at myself in the mirror again. And wonder aloud *again* why I keep finding myself standing in the same position. For the fourth time in fifteen minutes, I scowl at the reflection staring back at me. "I'm not nervous. I'm not," I mutter, maintaining eye contact. But somehow, the mirror me didn't seem to be buying it. "If I was really nervous, I'd be pacing," I continued even as some tiny part in the back of my mind wouldn't let up on the fact that non-nervous Buffy would never find herself arguing with her mirror image. "No pacing equals no nerves. And why should there be nerves anyway? I'm only *just* having lunch with my girlfriend -- or is that ex-girlfriend? I don't even know anymore -- after four weeks in which I didn't say more than fifteen words to her the entire time. I'm only *just* giving her another chance I'm not even sure she deserves. I'm only *just* feeling like I'm on a sinking boat. Yeah. I'm only *just* about to dial her number and call the whole thing off before the acid in my stomach eats through the lining and seeps out my bellybutton."

I make a face at the rather disgusting imagery that brought to mind and then ran the fingers of my right hand through my hair.

No. This wasn't nerves. This was a terrible, horrifying, knee shaking, mouth drying apprehension with the capital A kind of scary. And it was about to all culminate in ... less than five minutes! I didn't even know it was already this late. Guess calling now's not going to help get me out of it. She's probably already left. Probably on the campus even now.

The knock on the door coming as it did at that exact moment, makes me jump, no doubt shaving a couple of years off my already short Slayer life span. Almost compulsively, I glance over one last time in the mirror before taking a shaky breath. 'This is it, Buffy,' I thought, addressing myself in the third person which was starting to weird me out. 'Stop acting like a shallow spaz and open the stupid door so you can get this over with.'

Right.

Get it over with. Get it over with. Like a mantra, I repeat those words as I reach out for the doorknob. But as soon as I see her, standing there in front of me, her eyes hopeful and tinged with just the barest hint of well concealed panic, her lips curving into a nervous grin, and her arms held rigidly at her sides as if preparing against an attack, my mantra changes.

Changes to 'I'm not ready for this'.

Because I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I am SO not ready for this. And I want nothing more than to turn back the clock. Turn it back to last night and stop myself from falling headfirst into that moment of weakness when her arms had wrapped around me and I had let myself pretend that everything was back to normal and we could finally move on.

But it wasn't and I couldn't. At least not right now.

"B?" She looked so uncertain as she raised one arm halfway to touching me before lowering it back again as our eyes locked. "Are you all right?" I could hear the defeat already threading through her voice. She knew. On some level, she recognized what was happening and what I was going to say next. "It's all right, you know? If you want to call it off? It's no problem … We can do it another day." She was already retreating. Pysically. Mentally. Shying away as if burned. As if I held the matches.

Two sides warring inside me and I could feel one of them starting to win. "Faith, stop that. You're here already and I said we'd have lunch and we're having lunch. Let me just grab my wallet and we'll go."

Her face immediately lightens at the words. So beautiful. I had to turn around so she wouldn't see my breath catching. I'm not ready for this but I guess I'm going through with it anyway. After taking a couple of seconds to compose myself, I turn around, seeing her still standing uncertainly in the doorway. "Let's go," I repeat again, more to fill the empty void between us than to say anything useful.

I hate this. Hate the awkwardness. Definitely hate the overwhelming need to run away from this situation like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. Nice visual Buffy. Comparing myself to a dog now? Not a good start.

We walked mostly in silence until we got to the school cafeteria. It wasn't the best food in the world but the place was nearby and familiar and on my turf. In a way, it kind of calmed the jittery nerves still fluttering around in my stomach as we took seats across from each other. I'd gotten the salad because I just wanted to pick at something. Faith had gotten a can of soda. Usually I couldn't stop her from stuffing food down her throat. I guess she was nervous too.

"So, uh, how's school, B?" She asks, trailing her fingers across the perspiration on the can. I could see she was struggling to find some common ground between us again. Somewhere neutral where we could both meet without probing too deep.

"The usual. It's nice," I answered. "Work. Slayer work. School work -- there's lots of that. But it's nice in a busy sort of way."

"That's great."

"Yeah."

Silence, except for the constant hum of activity around us. Around us but not between us where it'd really help. Okay. If things continued like this, there was no way we'd last through another five minutes, much less lunch. Take the bull by the horns, Buffy. That's probably what mom would say if she were here. She's always new-age self empowering that way. So. Bull. Horns. Got it.

"So ... "

Gah! That's what I come up with? That's *all* I come up with? If there were a bull and it just so happened to be roaming around in the UC Sunnydale cafeteria right now, it'd probably hide in shame if it heard what came out of my mouth.

But Faith didn't seem to have heard me. Or maybe she was graciously ignoring that oh-so-not-witty comment for my sake. Her head was bent down slightly, almost as if she were lost in thought. I didn't know whether to interrupt those thoughts or whether it'd be easier just to let her keep thinking. The decision was taken out of my hands though when another figure moved into my field of vision.

"Buffy. Hey." I could almost hear the soft sigh I released as Riley, the TA from my psych class walked up to our table. Another person meant conversation. Conversation meant less awkwardness. And less awkwardness is a definite good. Or at least that was my thought process when I invited him to sit down with us. He extended a hand in greeting to Faith who wordlessly stared at the friendly gesture as if she were weighing the option of slapping it away.

"This is Faith," I said, hoping to smooth over the initial dislike I could feel coming off her in waves. "Faith, this is Riley. He's a TA in one of my classes."

She wasn't happy. That made two of us.

No, I wasn't happy that I had to drag someone else into our conversation just so I'd feel more comfortable. The sort of comfort that had been so easy to come by between Faith and me just a few short weeks ago. The sort of comfort that spoke of warmth, intimacy ... trust. It was painful to realize that we didn't have that anymore. Not any of it. And even more painful to realize that we might never get that back again. I've never said it out loud, never even let my thoughts come close to wrapping around that idea in the past but the possibility was all too real now.

But I still loved her. I *still* love her.

How does that work?

While I'd only been silent for a couple of minutes, mulling this over in my head, one look at Riley told me I'd better say something quick before he decided to bolt. So I threw myself wholeheartedly into engaging him in some inane chatter about class, throwing a glance every once in a while in Faith's direction. We were right in the middle of discussing the last lecture when Faith suddenly stands up. She mumbles something under her breath about having to be somewhere else and takes off.

"Not very talkative is she?" Riley comments.

My first impulse is to jump to her defense but I stifle it and stab at a piece of lettuce instead.

"I actually had an ulterior motive for joining you for lunch," he continues. "Hypothetically, if I were to try and pursue a relationship with you, do you think there's a chance I might not make a complete fool out of myself? I kind of asked your roommate beforehand if you were single but her answer confused more than enlightened."

Oh no. Just what I so do not need right now. I don't even think I've got enough patience in me to let him down gently so I state rather bluntly, "I have a girlfriend." It might not exactly be the whole truth but explaining it is the last thing I want to do.

He looks embarrassed but seems to otherwise be fine.

Can't say the same for me.

I don't run into him or Faith for the next few days. I worry if I don't hear from Faith every couple of days. I can't help it. We might not be together right now -- might not even be that close -- but it doesn't mean I ever stop worrying about her health or how she's doing. And I just don't mean Slayer-wise, dangerous as that side of our life is. I mean, Faith is like a little kid a lot of the time. She needs someone to take care of her, to make sure she's eating right, to make sure she sleeps every once in a while. I wish she's still living with mom. At least then, she'll have someone there for her.

I see Riley again in the next Psych lecture. We exchange tentative smiles as I take a seat next to Willow and, thankfully, it doesn't feel too weird. For some reason though, the class seems to drag on and on. I'm sure I only closed my eyes for a second but I feel totally disoriented when Professor Walsh calls my name out and I experience one of those blind panic moments before I look down and see Faith standing next to her.

What's Faith doing in my class?

It doesn't really matter. I stand up and walk to where they're beckoning me.

****

It took me the entire morning to realize something was wrong. Hell, I live by myself. Who the fuck am I gonna talk to in my lonely little apartment? I haven't gone so totally wacko as to be talking to myself when no one else is around. It's not till I decide to step outside for a carton of smokes that I realize everything's gone to shit. I freak out for a while like most everyone else when I couldn't make a peep. Even by Sunnydale standards, this ranks pretty high up there on the weird occurrences scale.

The first thing I want to do is find Buffy and if I know her and Red, they're both probably already at G-man's place by now. The Scoobies have a kind of homing instinct when danger strikes and I wasn't surprised to find all of them there when I walk through the door to Giles' swingin' bachelor pad. I even get a smile from Buffy which more than makes up for the incredibly lousy start to the day. I hadn't seen her since the lunch disaster. That whole thing just started out bad and ended worse.

Xander snaps his fingers to get our attention and raises the volume on some newscast on TV. Apparently, the whole town's playing some big hoax by pretending to lose all our voices at the same time -- that's if you believe the talking head. They've got to have chimps working for them considering some of the stuff they come up with.

Since there's not much we could do to help Giles research, Buffy suggests the two of us go on patrol. I almost whooped with joy. We haven't gone on patrol together for so long and going solo just isn't the same. As soon as we go out, we fall into this comfortable groove. There's nothing awkward, nothing strained about us. True, we spent most of the night breaking up fights and would-be looters and even ran into TA boy briefly but it feels so right being with her again. I know she felt it too cause by the time we walked back to her dorm, we were holding hands. When I went to let go, she almost looked like she was about to stop me but instead she pulled me into a short hug. You couldn't scrape the grin from my face even as she disappeared inside the building.

We're going to kick the asses of whoever's behind this voice stealing thing but can you blame me for feeling the tiniest bit thankful to them for bringing me and B just a little closer? When I get back to my apartment, I fall fast asleep for the first time in a long time, dreaming dreams that don't make me wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I woke up fresh as a daisy and, dare I say, perky? Nah. Strike that last part. Let's just go with 'full of energy' and leave it at that.

I went over to Buffy's dorm and sat down for a quick breakfast with her and Red before Giles rounded us up for his slide show. For an info session delivered by a dry English guy, it was really funny. For me anyway. I found it so funny, I almost laughed out loud when he brought out that slide drawing of Buffy and her stake. It earned me a glare and a slap on the arm from Buffy who really couldn't find the funny about that particular picture.

So after show and tell, we now knew who the enemy is -- the Gentlemen. We knew what they want -- hearts. But we still don't know how to stop them unless 'the princess screams once'. Well, that blows. We can't get our voices back until they're defeated and they can't be defeated unless one of us gets our voice back. The logic makes my head hurt.

Buffy takes my hand as we go out on patrol again. I give it a little squeeze every now and then just to make sure it's there and I think it makes her feel better too. It doesn't take long to run into one of them but we didn't expect they'd be trailing lackeys too. Man, can these things get any freakier? Mortician suits, car salesman smiles, and their lackeys wear straitjackets.

They're a lot faster than I would've thought but they don't stand a chance against two Slayers. We chase the one that's smart enough to run back to a clock tower on Buffy's campus. B tackles him and they go through the wall. I try to go after them but I get jumped from the side before I can follow. The little shit gets a chokehold on my neck and won't let go even though I ram us both into a wall three fucking times. When I finally break his arms and his neck, I hear Buffy scream and I know everything's all right now.

Wait. Does that sound as fucked up as I think it does?

Whatever.

The first thing I see when I go inside is Buffy. No surprise there. But then the next person I see makes me stop a second and go 'Huh?' There's TA boy, all dressed up in fatigues and looking confused as all hell. That makes all three of us. As soon as he sees me, he goes all spastic, lying about how they'd just scared away a den of dogs and that's what all the noise was about.

Uh … right. This guy can't lie for shit.

Buffy walks towards me. "I think we all need to sit down for this," she says, taking my arm and leading us outside. The closest place is her dorm so that's where we head. I let her take the lead in talking to him. He's like Clark Kent and Superman -- mild mannered secret identity and the whole nine yards. Turns out he's one of the soldierboys who defanged Spike. I can't decide whether to smack him or shake his hand.

"Slay - er," Buffy explains again as she tries to explain what we are. "I can't believe you know all this stuff about vampires and demons and not have heard of us."

"Look, just ask around," I say, getting tired of him already and wishing he'd take his camouflaged ass out the door. "We're like famous for striking terror into the undead hearts of vamps. We're even mentioned in a couple of prophecies."

He nods in that way that says he doesn't believe a word we said and finally decides to leave. Another minute and I think I would've showed him what Slayer strength is all about.

Buffy heaves a sigh and sits down next to me on her bed. "And here I thought he was just your normal corn-fed Iowa farmboy," she said, slumping forward ever so slightly.

Without thinking about it, I start massaging the back of her neck with one hand. It's not until she completely tenses up that I realize what I'm doing and I wince at how stupid I am sometimes. "I'm sorry," I apologized, starting to lift my hand away. "I forgot."

"No, wait." She pulls my hand back onto the back of her neck. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" Oh God. Why can't I just shut up? Isn't it enough she's letting me touch her?

She closes her eyes and I swear I saw her smile for just a split second before it disappears. "Yeah, I'm sure."

I keep up the massage, even adding another hand as I feel all the little muscles in her shoulders start to relax. Her skin is so soft under my palms and I can't take my eyes away from the wispy golden hairs on the nape of her neck. They move with every breath I take. I want to place my lips there and taste how sweet she is but I know the second I try that, I'll wind up with my ass on the floor. But I'm more than happy just having this simple contact with her.

After a couple of minutes, she places her hands on mine, stopping the massage. I almost start crying -- I don't want to stop yet. She turns around suddenly and I can't put away my pitiful look fast enough to stop her from seeing it. I know she feels sorry for me but I don't want that. I try to turn away but she's got a hold of my chin in her hand.

"Faith … "

"No. Please B, don't say whatever you're gonna say. It's my own problem, okay? I had the best thing in my life in my hands and I screwed it up like I always do. I thought this time would be different, y'know? I thought I could be good because of you. But I'm a fuck up. I wish I could be different for you. I wish I could be as good as you, B … but I can't. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Please … please, don't hate me." I was bawling by this time. I hadn't cried so hard since I was a baby and it felt like I'd never be able to stop once I started.

Buffy takes me into her arms and I try to explain that I'm not trying to make her feel sorry for me but all that comes out now are one syllable words that don't make a whole lot of sense. Buffy tries to calm me down by stroking my hair and placing little kisses across my temple. I don't remember how long I cry but I must've fallen asleep sometime during my mini-breakdown.

When I wake up, my eyes feel all swollen but I feel lighter inside, like I've left a piece of myself behind. B's arms surround me and when I look up, I see she's awake already and just looking at me. After what happened yesterday, I didn't think I could do anything that could make myself look worse in her eyes. But her arms tighten around me, holding me in place.

"I want to give you a chance," she finally says. "I stayed up all night thinking about all the reasons I shouldn't get back together with you." I wince at that but she just smiles gently at me, running a hand through my hair. "When it comes right down to it though, I know all that other stuff is just academic. Because when it comes right down to it, Faith … I still love you. It's as simple as that. You don't have to be as good as me, Faith. You just need to treat me good and I promise to do the same for you … wow, that came out grammatically wince-worthy but I'm working on no sleep here so I think I deserve a little leeway."

She waits for me to say something and I guess I should but right now, all I want to do is snuggle up as close to her as I possibly can. And I'm grinning like a fool cause I realize I don't need to stop myself anymore. So I end up doing just that. It feels incredibly good -- so good, I end up falling asleep again.

****

I hope I'm not making a big mistake and I'm not just willingly jumping into this with my eyes closed. But how could anything that feels this good and this right be a mistake? It can't because that would call my entire societal and cultural worldview into question … okay, maybe that's exaggerating a little but my point still stands. I know I'll still have to learn to trust her all over again but I've taken that first step of forgiving her and by all accounts, the first step is always the hardest so the rest should come easy … all right, that's probably exaggerating too.

But I've set down rules … rules she won't break if she wants this second chance to work.

Rule number 1 is no more alcohol … aside from the obvious reasons, I don't think I can stand to be around her if she's drunk again.

Rule number 2 is absolutely, positively no cheating on me.

Rule number 3's still on the drawing board but I think that's a pretty solid start so far. Willow thinks so too. She's almost as excited as we were that Faith and me were getting back together again. She explains that she's living vicariously off me but I think she can live through herself just fine if she only realized what a total catch she is. But at least she doesn't seem as down about the whole Oz thing anymore. In fact, she seems to be out and about a lot. I'm going to have to remember to ask her about that. I hate to say it but I've kind of been inattentive best friend lately since I've been so caught up in my own thing but I'm resolving to do better as of right now.

I was so preoccupied with the resolving, I completely missed the rush of displaced air coming up from behind and before I could escape, two strong arms had me tightly in their grasp.

"Gotcha!" Faith crowed triumphantly as she lifted me and swung me back and forth.

Any and all undignified giggles and squeals can be blamed on the fact that one of her hands was on a very ticklish spot -- one that I know she knows is very ticklish and one that I know she knows she shouldn't be touching in public.

"Faith … Faith, let me down!" I manage to choke out between bursts of laughter.

She finally places me back on the ground, facing her but her arms refuse to let me go.

"Tomato red is such a good color on you," she laughs.

"You are SO going to pay for that," I promise with my best glare.

She couldn't look like she cared less as she stole a quick kiss. "I'm looking forward to it," she purrs. "In fact--" Whatever she's going to say next is cut off by Riley's arrival.

"Sorry to interrupt," he apologizes.

Faith mutters under her breath "Not as sorry as me" as she reluctantly lets me go. I couldn't agree more but sometimes you have to put business before pleasure.

Rats.

Riley starts leading us to his frat house. Supposedly, that's where the Initiative has their secret underground headquarters. It sounds like something out of a bad spy movie but Riley's assured us it's for real. He's already told us a little bit about the setup but this will be the first time we'll be going down there. I think he's trying to impress us a little because he keeps glancing covertly over at us as he does his secret agent thing. I admit, I was impressed -- the secret elevator, the voice recognition, not to mention they managed to build this huge thing with nobody knowing.

Faith's not as easy to win over though. She still thinks they're all a bunch of morons with their peckers in their hands for not knowing what Slayers were. She takes that kind of stuff really personally. And she's not impressed at all with Dr. Walsh, the head honcho lady who just happens to be my Psych professor by day. Faith bristles when she starts belittling our slaying technique. I bristle a little myself. We do more than 'poke them with a sharp stick'.

"But even if that's all we do," Faith states. "What's wrong with that? A dead vampire is a dead vampire."

Professor Walsh then tries to boast about all the demons and vampires the Initiative, specifically Riley, has defeated. I try not to laugh as Faith snorts, "You call that a lot? That's like a busy night for us. You should've been there last year when we took on this big snake demon that wanted the whole town as a snack … "

I sit back and listen to her recount some of our more gory Slaying stories. As she keeps talking, I can almost feel Riley's testosterone level shriveling up and Walsh's jaw drop lower and lower. By the time she finishes, they couldn't get us out of there fast enough. I don't think the good Professor appreciated all the questions I brought up either. In fact, I'd say, she was getting really annoyed.

"What a bunch of wannabes," Faith laughs, taking my hand as we walk out.

"I don't know, Faith. Government sponsored demon hunters -- it could be a pretty cool idea but I think they're getting in way over their heads."

"As in, can't even see the shore anymore?"

"As in, you can't put a leash on a wild animal and think it'll do whatever you say."

"So, are we telling G-man about this?"

"What? We didn't?"

She stops and pretends to knock on my head. "Hello, anyone in there?"

I slapped her hand away. "Okay, maybe it slipped my mind."

"Airhead."

"Slut."

"Wanna make out?"

"Okay, but remind me about Giles later."

"Don't worry. I'll make you a sign."

****

The shit's hit the fan, big time. Nobody's saying dick over at the Initiative but from what we do hear, Professor Hardass is dead and Riley and his soldierboys are in bad shape too. Plus we still haven't gotten the bastard that's been going around and gutting little kids but from the little bit of info we got out of Willy, all that's tied up with the Initiative too. Whatever they've got going on, I've got a really, really bad feeling about it.

But whatever it is, it just better not be happening tonight cause tonight B and me are going out on a date. It's not like we're doing anything fancy -- just dinner and a movie but it'll be something we're doing together and something fun just for the two of us. When was the last time that was happening? I let her pick where she wanted to go. She chose this Italian place in town. Not bad but it's Sunnydale so I'll count myself lucky if they didn't slip in some demon mushrooms in our salads while we weren't looking.